Finding Light Through the Pain
Finding Light Through the Pain
Finding Light Through The Pain
I haven’t written on my Blog in a while. Dealing with a divorce the past few years has been difficult, to say the least. In that time I maintained a smile and continued to speak words of faith and encouragement to my readers. The truth is that I have felt a great deal of personal pain, being trapped in a situation where I had no control over it’s ending. Wanting to see an end of a war i did not begin....and needing an end that never seemed to come. Divorce is never easy. It’s horrible, in fact. Especially when one person refuses to let go.
I packed up my ‘perfect’ life in my big house and put everything into storage while I figured some things out. I stayed with my cousin’s family for a moment while I gathered my thoughts and tried to make decisions for myself. For the first time in my adult life I didn’t have anyone to consider in my decision but me. Where do I want to go? What do I want to do next? How do you figure out where you want to be if you’ve never been there before? I had lived my adult life quite sheltered. I felt overwhelmed with indecision.
I temporarily settled in a sleepy little town near the gulf coast of Alabama where I have family close by and I knew I’d be safe. One friend told me, “It’s the last place in America where you can leave your door unlocked”. I’ve told everyone I’ve met, “I’m here for this moment!”. I suppose that was my way of being noncommittal.
I renovated a little studio and started teaching guided painting while I figured things out. I worked everyday to just get through while I waited for the divorce proceedings to end.
Over the years I’ve seen so many of my friends go through divorces and then become serial daters. I watched them have multiple intimate partners. I watched the emotional turmoil, pain and tears they cried when their lovers tossed them aside for another so callously. I never want to feel like that. So, after being out of the dating world for a decade and a half, I quickly saw how crazy and scary it all is. Too afraid of being hurt, I cloistered myself in this little town and sought out to find myself while I waited to be set free. In that time I learned what it means to be “alone but not lonely”. I learned what it was like to live without judgement and without negativity. I learned to be resilient and hopeful and remembered where my joy was.
Even though I have been deeply hurt by the ending of my marriage, I still want and believe in love. Maybe I’m crazy, but I still believe that there is true love out there for me. I am not broken. I’m a little wounded, but not broken.
In these years alone I have taken stock of the past and I have learned to look at those experiences and turned them into lessons - knowing that I wont make the same mistakes again. I have taken this time to contemplate what kind of person I want to share my existence with in the future. I know what kind of love I deserve in my life and anything less is a waste of my precious time here.
I have learned that self love is so important. Love begins in each of our own hearts. When we have unwavering, unconditional love for ourselves that is so deep and solid, we only put ourselves into relationships that reflect the same unconditional love and respect.
One of the most important things that I have learned is that the lessons of troubled relationships and bad situations are, in fact, blessings. When you are conscious and tuned in, you become aware that every experience offers clarity. Every negative situation offers us the opportunity to fine tune our relationship with ourselves. We do not have to continue living with guilt, regret or resentment. When we change our perspective it allows us to see the light, the good and the blessings in all of our experiences.
Perspective is everything. I am awaiting this coming year in joyous hopes to come out on the other side with renewed vigor and sense of purpose. And each day, I hope and pray for that unconditional love I so desire.
Until next time,
I love you,
Stacy
Wednesday, November 30, 2016